The Questionable Estate

"Horrible Work Environment," Most Common Reason Why Jihadists Decided To Leave ISIS

Washington, 11 Feb - In a survey conducted by Business Insider, most Jihadist claimed that they left the militant group, ISIS was because of the "horrible work environment" that they are thrust upon. One participant said that "Don't be fooled by the facade that we are always on Twitter, Facebook and even Tinder to attract young Jihadist groups all over the internet. We are constantly monitored all the time. Heck, I only saw the last Epic Rap Battle video when I got back to Seattle! One time there was this cute chick on Tinder but Ahmed just had to say nooo..... She wasn't wearing a burqa." When reached out, the terrorist group claimed that this typical of the millennial Jihadist, always self-obsessed that they forget about fighting Shiites and Assad.

The second highest reason cited by former Jihadist is the lack of healthcare provided by ISIS. Apparently, the huge funding they obtained after raiding the Iraqi Federal Reserve was purely for expanding the Caliphate. This has led an increase of insurance premiums in the Islamic State, forcing some to even join rival groups like Jabhat Al-Nusra. The third most common reason was the lack of education opportunities for the children of Jihadist. In a controversial statement last week, a spokesman for ISIS has declared that education for girls end at 15. While still longer than the amount a person would get in an American public school, this did not stop former Jihadists to send in their resignation and move to Sweden. "I would love to see my daughter Nurain to be the next Abu-Bakr Al-Baghadi but ISIS isn't going to pay IED school. I heard that you don't have to pay a dime for tertiary education in Norway. Sounds like a brighter future for her." said Aziz, 41.

ISIS has long suffered a retainment problem despite being the biggest terrorist groups in the region. Experts suggests this is why ISIS has been focusing on online recruitment, to create this impression that they are able to hire as many people as they can. However, their efforts have been thwarted when hacker group Anonymous closed down multiple Facebook and Twitter accounts used by ISIS. A spokesman for ISIS commented "It was totally uncalled for. These cyber-terrorists need to own up with what they did and need to learn the consequences. We demand an apology for such an immature act."